Olga

have you ever had it when you offer some help and the ask you to do something but then every idea you have is turned down, or ignored. Well, that's how i feel right now....pissed that no matter what I try to help with, I am told I will do something wrong, or that's not what should be done. I want to cook today, but no matter what I do I get 'no' your recipe is bad, or you will cook this badly without a recipe, or even I don't trust you cooking without a recipe. And I've created perfectly good things without a recipe, like my sweet and sour tofu stir fry, which gave Psi U there first tofu recipe. And now I feel like they don't want me in the kitchen, and yet they tease me by being like come here....no you can't do anything.....i hate that....I want to be trusted, but apparently it won't happen. And the person, my own mother.....She thinks i'm still her little girl who can't cook (yet i've always liked to cook and even taken a cooking class, and candy making classes).  I'm not her little girl anymore...i'm almost not a teen any more, and i'm ready to leave that phase...i'm ready to move out on my own, I want to live on my own, finally have a car on own...I've been driving for 3 years now....on my parents cars! but I don't have the money for a car....and I need to start saving......well, maybe i finally get the chance....she's invited me to the kitchen to cut something...not to look up a recipe.....maybe i will do something?

So, I haven't posted my poems on here...and i want to write more of them, so I figured I'd copy them to here....and then maybe it would help me get inspired for the poetry contest that I want to enter....I've only entered one...and the junk would never leave...even if my poems were 'published' in a book i'd have to buy for about 300 or so $ and on top of that I would receive it in a poetry convention or something which was another 700 or so $. so yea...I'm going to enter other contests/competitions....lets see if i can get inspired again...

MOST RECENT - FIRST ONE THAT I DOCUMENTED WITHOUT LOSING (more might be found):
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The Wonderer

i fly away and don't look down
I look foward and don't look back

and yet i wonder
what happened if i actually turn around
what happened if i actually look down

will i die
will i regret
will i get hurt

I've been hurt
Parts of me have died
I have regretted

So i guess i shall keep on flying
So i guess i shall keep on going foward

I WILL TRY TO BE WHATEVER I CAN!
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Confused

I sat all day and waited for that light
To take me in
To show me how to fight

That light was almost as big as the sun
But when it shown
It passed me by and towards the fun

I felt ashamed
I felt aware that all i ever wanted was to be there
But In all I belived, the light wanted me ashamed

I started running
I ran so far that my mind slowly stopped thinking
And that pain was cunning

I decided that I shall retire
Go to my home
And just sit by the fire
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misery

alone and dreading it
hurt and dealing with it
That is within me

That pain goes throughout my head
That acuteness is hurting me more and more
And all i want is to break away and go to bed
And not feel like a whore

My mind is blurred
My heart is hurt
My feelings low
My body slow but wanting to run and run

If only I'd of stopped it
If only I'd of told it off
If only I'd of broken loose
If only I'd of thrown it out of my mind

I wouldn't suffer this much
I wouldn't feel this hurt
And yet I knew this would have happened
And yet I knew my heart would feel like this

But stories die a painful death
If stories have a bad ending
But stories could rise into a beautifull direction
If stories thrive on happiness

Love is what the happiness is
Some go bad
Some continue on

They are hard to find
They are hard to keep

But once one's found
They continue till the end of time
They start a new life away from all

And all in all
There's always some kind of death
There's always some kind of pain

Death is what lures love into that negative path
Death is what conjures up that negative path
Death is what the silence that revolves around that path is

Avoiding death is painful
Avoiding love is hard
All is possible
But it's hard
And it happens more than once

Live your life
Die a happy death
Cause that is what hearts want
That is what soals want

And when something goes bad
One wants to run
One wants to have all the bad fly away
To break free and just run
Cause that is what I want
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Future lovers that were friends

in the words of a girl at ease
in the words of a girl whose heart has been broken

her heart once again has risen
her heart once again is in love

but yet the one she loves is just a friend
but yet the one she loves will stay a friend

until he claims he likes her too
until he claims he wants her more than just a friend

then the girl's heart will take a great leap
then the girl's heart will take his heart in and be side by side with his

the hearts then can be together
the hearts then can be lovers till ones end

but till then those hearts are separated
but till then those hearts are on there own

to love
to live
to grow
to wonder

about one another
about the other
about what to do in the future
about what to do to change the other

now they are curious
now they are wonderers
now they are friends
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Heart of Trust

I feel as if my heart has fallen
My previous have dissolved
Fom whole to broken
From pieced together to unsolved

One of my previous came right out
He said some stuff which had me surprised
Why did he stumble to open the closet right out?
Why did he have to tell me and have me be surprised?

One of my previous was too wild
He did some stuff that i was surprised about
Using knives to heal his hurt that was wild
Using sex to heal his passion that made me pout

One of my previous loved himself
He wanted some stuff which was unpleasant
Did he really want anyone to please himself?
Did he really want to feel used and like a peasant?

I feel as though my heart has been broken
I feel as though i need to stop
I feel as though i should not ponder
I feel as though my heart should just go on

My heart should be at ease
It needs a break from all that its been displeased by
But then there is another that may have it ceased
But then I really don't know, shall this heart be trusted like the rest and have a by?
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Life

I work all day
I sleep at night
And yet in may
I'll be all right

I cannot wait
I shall be well
And yet my fate
Might have fell

I wish I could
I hope I can
Brave be I should
And now i weep and hit myself with a pan

For now i'm flat
And now i'm sad
So now i've sat
And now i'm glad
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Trying

I try so hard
And yet I fail

I try to win
And yet i loose

I loose that hope
That i can't win

And when i try
I try too hard

So then i fall
And go to far

And hurt myself
So i'm bruised up

My mind has been hurt
And they can't stop

Oh why
Oh why
Do i get hurt so much?
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Trying to continue

I travel through a tunnel
Where my mind feels like its entering a tunnel
Where is that heart though?
It doesn't know where to go!

It flies up into the sky
And then it gets shot
So it goes out back to that sky
But then it understands that shot

The shot was to break that soaring
But not in a bad way
Just in a way that wasn't boring
Just in a way that brushed the bay

That bay lightly brushing the soreness
Rocking it but not creating boreness
Upsetting the fluttering
but there still is some of that fluttering
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death and doom

death bestow with me
I shall be helped with you here
I shall accept you now

Why don't you come now?
When i'm not feeling good
When I feel lonely

Death bestow upon me now
Death come and help me now please
I feel broken now
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Life

The phone rang today
The other line picked up then
and what did i hear

I heard another
A girl, not one i wanted
I got confuzed

Then i put it down
I felt scared and again lonely
And now i'm alone again
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Avoiding Betrayal

I went out one night
With a friend of mine
And I had might
And some kind of wine

But what i didn't realize
Was that I was gonna have more than wine
I didn't see what lies
What lies ahead is that the he wasn't mine

I didn't know that I wasn't in my right mind
I didn't know that I was drifting away
I was drifiting away from a bind
But that bind wanted me to be away

He made me mad
And mad fun of me
And then he acted like I was bad
But then I realized, I didn't need him to be me

I could be myself without the need to lean
I didn't need him to stay alive
So I left him to be mean
And he was mean and then i felt even more alive
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Spinning

I came and played
And played some more
Until my head could take no more
And my body felt like a maid

A maid who works and cleans all day
A maid who's tired, dizzy and shaken up
So that's when I knew I couldn't get up
So I sat and curled up like I was in a cay

And then I saw a light
One that could help me get rid of my wounds
And the light helped me with those wounds
And helped me go as if I was in flight

And I was happy and painless
Untill I realize I went to high
So high that I felt like I forgot how to fly
And when i faced that reality, I forgot what it felt to be painless

I was in pain
And I cried
My wounds felt like they opened up again and were fried
And I was different but still Insane
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Fate

There came a time
Where we had talked
And now we talked
For an even longer time

So then something happened
I didn't mean it
It just happened
Because it fit

I told the tale
I told him so
And we both like whales
And we had to go

So I told him something
That happened to make him jump
And it was a truly something
So, he fumbled

And that's where it ended
That terrible fate
That had bended
And losts its bait

So now i'm sitting
And i am loathing

Should i have waited?
Or should i have told him?

He got the clue
But i think he agrees
But i feel a little blue
------------------------------
Pet

I had a pet who cared and shared
He was nice and very didn't like mice
So, i was glad and not very sad

But then another pet came through my view
And I got all tormented and confused

Shall I leave him be?
Or shall I show him the way?
So, I helped him back to his feet

And that new pet started to gain on me
Like i'd never think he would
Feelings rushed and my head started spinning

But that pet of mine,
The one I had already,
Started to drift from me
The feelings i had were different from the beginning
When all was rushing and all was spinning

So, now i sit
And i wait for the true one
To come and have me fit
For the special one
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The Talk

We talked all night
And into the day
But we weren't too bright
And it felt like it was in a cay

Where the cay was all dark
And the blurrieness showed
But what there was a mark
As it strongly glowed

There was meaning
And there was truth
And i felt as if my missing part had almost been found

I was happy
I felt wise
It wasn't all sappy
It had a size

The talk held me through
I felt very good
And that talk had a brew
That made me feel as good as new
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Homesick (AKA: Alone without my friend)

I sit here in my room
I'm all alone
With no where to go
And all I have here is a bone

The bone my dog was chewing last
Before she rann off
All on her own
All by herself
Oh but we had such a blast

And now I sit
And almost weep
I feel alone
And will not go

I want to find her
I want to see
Where she ended up
Without me
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Stuck

As i run forward
I turn and look
Was I a coward
Or was I in a Book

A book of lies
A book of coverups
Oh why did I have to run

Now i can't turn back
I can't run backwards
And yet I'm afraid

Afraid to fall,
Afraid to run
I stand confused
I don't know what to do

Why am I here?
What do I do?
Why did I run?

So then I wait
And wait some more
Until I decide to break down and cry
And that's where I'm at,
And that's where I'll stay,

Until my past comes
Until my future meets with the past
Until I find what I'm looking for
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Running

As I was little my mom once said
Don't rush you childhood,
Don't run too fast.

And yet I did
I ran right through
Passing all who wanted my running shoes

I stumbled on the future, though
Right with the foot that wouldn't grow
My curiosity increased right then
And the pain of childhood wouldn't end

I had to sit
And think what didn't fit
And didn't fight
My mom was right

My mom once said
Don't rush your childhood,
Don't run too fast

and now others from other places...

Hearts rise
Fire rises
Embedding those hearts within their soul

Life is crushed
Hope has been crushed
And all that's left is a little thread

That thread pressed against me
To give me that last belief
That thread given to me
To give me that strength to hold on

And what did i do
I let It slip
Fall out of my reach

Will someone help me get that string back
Will someone help me find some way to let hope in
Will someone help me get the strength to walk on
Will someone help me find that little power to keep walking

All that sadness but where's the happiness
All that sorrow but where's the rejoice
All that pain but where are all the cushions

So....Yea, i still haven't been on very much...oh well...anywayz....break is almost over, i'm sad. Well, everyone is ussually sad when break is over. But i'm also kind of glad cause i'll see my friends from RPI that i can't see over break cause they're too far away. Like, Holly (in Oregon), Matt (in Staten Island), Katrina (well, she's at Cobleskill), Dave (near DC), both Kyles (Waterford and Paris), Emily (Poughipsee area), Selby (Maryland) and many other... I'm excided yet sad cause i'm also not going to be getting any sleep and this is the earliest i've been up in a while and that's only cause i fell aseel round 10:30-11ish. Oh well...i still got a couple of days left...

Ok.. So, I'm In college... what else is new? um... i've had more bfs? i guess you could say that's new... um... i'm doing best in calc and compsci rather than psyc and minds and machines.... I'm getting ready to schedule myself for next years classes... um.. what else.... i'm glad i chose to come to rpi.. but i miss all of my nisky friends back at home!!!! hope the grads are havin fun at college (and drinking isn't as bad as some think it is... it's just not the best idea to have more than you should)..... well... me hearts ya'll
heart ya all :)

Well... school is boring and its almost over, but i got the most boring finals. I can't wait till they will be over, and then i got regents... and then summer is going to be fun. I hope i would be able to see all of my friends. I'm on the swimming team, and then to ID camp, but swimming team wouldn't be over because its 7 weeks. I will have only a few weeks of vacation time someplace, but i don't know where. I'm visiting my friends from NJ, and we might go to Cape May, MD. I hope it would be fun. Well... I g2g.

i remember when my first death went by. My grandparents died two days apart. When i was in first grade, I was coloring when my mother recieved a call from my grandmother. She said that my grandfather died and my mother started to cry. I asked her what was wrong and she told me. I also started to cry. The next day was my step-grandfathers b-day. The day after was like when my grandfather died. Only this time i cried even harder. This has always to stayed in my mind and it still will.